A reader gave me permission to publish her letter to me (anonymously). I include my reply below, too:
Dear Father Nix,
I just listened to your homily on Sensus Fidelium about Woman’s Submission where you encourage and admonish the husbands to live like Christ in their marriages. I thought it was a wonderful homily and so true as to how easy it is for us wives to submit to and love well such a husband.
However, it, and other homilies and conferences on the subject, leave me with a gaping question:
How am I, a revert to Catholicism with a secular/agnostic husband (who was also born and baptized Catholic like I was, but same as me, was removed from Catholicism in early childhood and raised anti-Catholic), to submit to and properly order myself to a husband who does not lead or act in the manner to which you taught the Catholic men?
I try to encourage it in my husband where I can, but it is an exhausting process of attempts and then having to pick up his slack. If it were up to him we’d all just stay home and scroll out individual screens in bed for hours on a Sunday morning.
I don’t know how to navigate being a Catholic wife to such a man without being too much of a head having to fill in the wide gaps he leaves, or without being too submissive and servile. Both enable and encourage his spiritual sloth and egotistical pride. When I was Protestant I was the latter, following the teachings of fundamentalists, and it only lead to tyranny and abuse. Then, before becoming Catholic, I switched to a more feminist headship mindset to fill in his gaps and take leadership where he was slacking, and it just led to his laziness and apathy. Both burned me out and made me quite ill.
What advice do you have for wives in my situation?
Thank you!!
Mrs. S
My reply:
Dear Mrs. S.,
Because you have already tried timidity and aggression before your husband, I think you now just have to follow Christ at the best speed necessary for your life. I can’t say “Now you’re the spiritual leader of your family” because that roll has been assigned to your husband. But since he is not fulfilling it, it does not mean it falls to you by title. But it probably does fall into your lap by practice. That is why I said you now just are called to follow Christ at the speed which Our Lord invites you. That doesn’t include berating your husband (as I can already tell you know from your last email) but neither does it mean waiting for him as you lead your children in the Rosary or catechesis.
This is no excuse for your husband’s laziness at all, but keep in mind our culture has really beat down men. Thus, even though you can’t lie to him by telling him he’s doing a great job in catechesis or spiritual leadership, I would encourage you to encourage him in any small thing you can. I’m sure you know the basics of this, but most women do not how intensely this is true: When a man is encouraged by his wife in even the smallest way (nothing pandering or untrue, but rather just a compliment like, “Wow that was a fast job fixing the drawer!” or “That was an amazing steak you made for us, honey.”) he feels he can take on the world. Again, don’t lie to him, but if you can find even the smallest thing to compliment him on, it may bring out the best in the future. If not, do it anyway, provided it’s not a lie.
Life may go on like this for years, maybe even (unfortunately) to the grave. But you can’t lead a horse to water. You have to follow Jesus through Mary as closely as you can so your kids can follow. And if your husband ever sees the fire in your heart and lets it light a fire under his tail, maybe he too will run to catch up to you and maybe one day overtake you (which is what you want, I know.) But until that day, don’t worry about it. I wouldn’t say “don’t worry about it” to a woman who was married to good Catholic man going through a dry spell in the spiritual life. But it sounds like you have tried everything from being aggressive to him to overly subservient and both approaches lead him to what you called “sloth and pride.”
Of course, I have always learned in all marriage counseling that there are two sides to every story, so I would want to hear your husband’s story before I agree with you there is “sloth and pride.” After all, I have met neither of you in real life. But, like St. Rita, you can never go wrong in following Jesus Christ and the traditional Magisterium as best as you can whether or not he wants to do the same. As I said earlier in this email, it does not mean that title of “spiritual leader of the family” falls to you by title, but it probably does fall into your lap by practice. Live first for God, and then your family. Hopefully your husband sees this zeal and your example kicks him into gear. But if not, keep going in life.
AMDG
Fr. David
Donate to my future hermitage and chapel here.