p/c Jeffrey Bruno at Helpers’ Prayer Vigil at Planned Parenthood in Manhattan.
As most of you know by now, the narcissist is not so much epitomized in the person seeking vain-glory, as the person who manipulates others so as to obtain an unearned vain-glory. In the heart of the narcissist, there is usually an arrogance which often appears as meekness. However, this is to cover a deep-seated insecurity. The exorcist Fr. Ripperger has demonstrated this is also the false victim-mentality frequently found in both demons and Marxists.
My advice on Christian Boundaries for Narcissists has normally been to Grey-Rock them. To “Grey Rock” a person is basically to ignore them. Of course, there is a slightly more charitable approach where you can “Yellow-Rock” the narcissist. The Yellow-Rock technique is similar to the Grey-Rock method insofar as you refrain from sharing intimate details of your life, but you try to show more manners on [at least] unimportant topics in your interactions with the narcissist. But now we’re going to go even deeper than Yellow Rock.
Mr. Chase Hughes is a former Navy man who now specializes in behavior strategy and his channel has over 11.6M views at the time of this article. Recently, a friend sent me a video on narcissism by Mr. Hughes called Behavior-Expert Reveals What To Say to a Narcissist. I will embed the whole video at the end of this article. Now, I am not sure if Chase is a Catholic or a non-Catholic Christian, but I find that he gave superb advice in that video by going deeper into Christian boundaries in dealing with a narcissist than I ever have.
In the above-linked video, he demonstrates how to use positive-reinforcement instead of defensive-language. This is how to engage narcissists in a patient manner without losing your own mind. As you watch the above video or read my own review on it below (with me adding traditional theology a bit) please keep in mind that only God (not you) can convert the narcissist. Thus, the following bullet points are simply tools on how to make your own life easier while maintaining Christian kindness towards very difficult people:
1) Manipulators use FOG: Fear, Obligation and Guilt. (Time stamp 0:10 seconds) They are always trying to gain CAVA: Control, Approval, Validation and Attention. The Bible says “Be Not Afraid” about 366 times. This is because fear leads to sin. Thus, Satan’s minions on earth will usually use fear to lead you into sin, even under pretext of obedience. (Just look at Covid or claims on obedience now coming from heretics in the hierarchy.) These people may appear meek at first-glance, but they are attention-seekers who foist guilt and obligation on others. Modernists always foist man-based guilt and man-based obligation on traditional Catholics who accept only God-based guilt and God-based obligation.
2) Mirror Their Intentions, Not Their Actions. (0:58 seconds) If someone is being passive-aggressive, respond to the narcissist’s need, not his method. Chase uses this example: If a co-worker says “If you don’t finish this project for me, I’m going to have to stay late,” you can reply: “I can see that you’re stressed. What do you think both of us can do so both of us don’t have to stay late?”
3) Maintain Autonomy and Preempt the Escalation. (3:25 min) Stay in control of yourself while occasionally engaging the narcissist. You can mirror their intentions by refraining from giving their egos the attention they think they need. Mr. Hughes uses this example: If a manipulative person says out of nowhere, “You never call me anymore,” you could pause for a moment in order to disarm the pace of the interaction. Just a little later, you could reply: “It seems like you’re saying I should feel guilty for not calling.”
4) Calmly Label Their Manipulative Behavior. (7:30) The Chrisitan could say to the manipulator something like: “It feels like you’re trying to make me feel guilty about this.” (Yes, it’s ironic that leftists are always guilt-tripping Christians these days while the mainstream media stereotype is exactly the opposite!) In any case, the Christian’s goal needs to be to shift the power-dynamic (without accusing or attacking the Narcissist) by bringing the full truth to light around any of the manipulator’s statements that contain semi-truths.
5) Interact in Positive Ways… (10:00) again, if one must engage at all. For example, Chase says one could say to the manipulator: “I really prefer conversations where we both feel respected, and I know we can reach that here.” Chase adds that this points to their “overreach without direct confrontation.” Chase even says one can use curious or probing questions to reveal the hidden motives of their behavior. For example, you can ask the manipulator “I’m curious—why do you think this is the best way to handle this?”
p/c Jeffrey Bruno
Notice that last sentence reads as child-like but not child-ish. This is because the Christian is called to be child-like whereas the narcissist is usually child-ish. The narcissist’s reaction will certainly be to make you feel like the childish one if you innocently ask, “Why do you think this is the best way to handle this?” But just try it, because they will not be able to answer it. If you can deal with the brief awkwardness, know that you have just shined a spotlight on the darkness of the manipulator. Lux in tenebris lucet, et tenebrae eam non comprehenderunt.—St. John 1:5.
6) Bring Their Ambiguity into the Light of Clarity. (11:00) We seek the light of truth and kindness. Thus, when you hear something manipulative from the narcissist, say something like: “You know, it sounds like you’re asking me to change my schedule for you. Is that what you’re suggesting I do?” This changes the power-dynamic. Also, bring their dark passive-aggressive attitude directly to the light. You could say: “What is it that you actually want?” or “What is your goal in our current interaction?” or “It seems like you’re really worried about this. Can we talk about what’s bothering you?” This shows they are the problem, not you. (And it also shows you care if you can ask such questions with true supernatural charity.)
7) Invoke Social Norms. (13:12) Narcissists are often smooth in social interactions, but they actually have very little self-awareness. Thus, you can gently make them realize their interactions with you are not how normal people interact in Western society. Chase suggests the line: “I think most people handle these situations differently. I’m just curious why you are approaching it this way.”
8) Give Narcissists Limited Options (13:30) which still leave you in freedom, again, if you must interact at all. That is, give the manipulator the illusion of control by giving him limited options like: “You know what John, we can either continue this conversation later, or we can discuss it calmly now. It’s completely up to you.” Notice that continued manipulation is not one of the options.
9) Call Out Their Extremes (13:50.) If someone says to you, “You never listen to me,” you could gently reply: “So what I’m hearing you say is in all the time we’ve known each other, I have never listened even once?”
Of course, the narcissist will then claim you are manipulating her by being overly-literal in the conversation. We must then think or even say: Words either reflect reality or they reflect a lie, so we must use clear words to communicate. Indeed, we must always use truthful words in a calm manner, even if we feel awkward doing it. This is to glorify God by speaking the truth, but it is also to bring the liar to the light of Christ’s love in kindness and gentleness.
Here is the Chase video embedded: